She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
