the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
