No awkward lesbian experiences without me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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