i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
