You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
