Jerry, you need to find god
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
