I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
