I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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