One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I sprained my soul last night
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
