i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
