I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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