I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
