There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
