One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
