I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
