Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright