I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence