it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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