No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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