nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
