just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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