Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
