I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
