Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
