Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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