i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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