If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
