Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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