he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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