I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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