Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
