Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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