I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You made out with two different species that night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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