theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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