why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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