dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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