are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
should my penis look like a turkey
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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