Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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