i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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