im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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