My nipple is on Facebook.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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