OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
