apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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