I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
