currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
