I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
