i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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