New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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