I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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