dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
