Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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