I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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