I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
